Almost four years ago I started this blog to share my journey, but aside from a few technical posts that didn’t quite pan out. Until recently I wasn’t really aware why that is, why it is so difficult for me to share my ideas. Now I think I know why and can take steps to improve.
Growing up I’ve always been a bit misplaced in my more traditional surroundings. As such my opinions were often shut down quick and sometimes harsh. Combined with my introversion this caused me to become a silent party. I’d only say something when I was addressed directly and even then keep replies short, with the occasional funny quip.
While being a quiet listener I then got a feeling for what is going on with the people around me, and how their interactions affect each other. I’ve noticed how the opinion of certain people could affect a whole group. A group could take on an idea which on an individual level would never be considered or was mis-aligned with their own morality even.
The combination of both — my opinions not being valued, and realising the power your take on a topic could have over others that look up to you — made me very cautious about sharing my ideas.
So cautious in fact that it became crippling and I didn’t share my viewpoints at all.
I am now trying to break out of this overzealous self-censorship. The goal is to remain aware of how it may affect others, while trying to venture into the unknown. If at some point I don’t get something terribly wrong then I think I haven’t gone outside my comfort zone enough.
I like to believe that I’ll be able to adjust my world-view if I do get called out on something stupid I say. I consider those valuable moments, where I can uncover something new about myself and others. I’m going to be more myself and take less stock in what others think of me, or trying to fit their ideal. Gonna be interesting!